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My Wife Has Skee-Ball Skillz

My wife is freakishly good at Skee-Ball. Like “eyes-of-fire, in the zone, minimum 300 points every round” good.

We sometimes like to go to an arcade if one is around and if there is Skee-Ball, that’s where we usually end up. Well, that’s where she ends up and I end up standing behind her, holding extra quarters.

So, we’re at the York Beach Fun-O-Rama today and there is Skee-Ball and, like I said, we inevitably find ourselves there. First of all, why do I bother? I’ve got this weird crossover thing I do with my arm when I roll the ball that makes the ball go to the left of center every time. I have good aim with other activities. Your mini-golf, your wacky target shooting with the drunk guy who plays piano when you shoot him in the arse, your Free Throw Frenzy. There’s just something about that rolling action that escapes me. My wife, however, was apparently born with this razor sharp Skee-Ball rolling action and touch. A typical 9-ball round of Skee-Ball for my wife goes something like this: 50-50-40-30-50-50-20-50-50. A typical Skee-Ball round for me goes like this: 10-10-10-10-10-20-10-10-10. That’s why I usually end up just standing behind her and coaching her. At the York Fun-O-Rama, you need at least 190 points just to get the minimum of 2 tickets. I figure I’m just pissing money away after giving it a few tries.

And so I’m standing behind her today, like usual, and tickets are pouring out of the machine and sirens are going off and little girls are standing nearby in total awe of this red-haired freak in front of me who earns more tickets in 3 rounds of Skee-Ball than they earn in a whole day’s worth and apparently, I get in her space and – this is no lie – she growls at me! She lines up a shot, is about to release, does some sort of kick back thing with her foot and she hits me and so she turns and growls at me and snaps, “Mooooove!”

Like I said, I stand behind her – not to close but close enough to coach. That positivity crap will not fly when my wife is earning tickets that will be turned in for valuable prizes later. “If you’re not getting a minimum of 250 every round,” I say, “then we might as well just leave and not waste our time.” My wife finds my Skee-Ball coaching very motivational.

So we get these huge runs of tickets and they’re pouring out of my pockets because, in addition to my Skee-Ball support position of Extra Quarters Holder Bitch, I’m also Hold On To All The Tickets And Don’t You Dare Drop Any Of Them Bitch. And so, you know how when normal people play Skee-Ball and they only get to look at that first glass prizes case and maybe get an army soldier, a press down and pop up thing, and a Tootsie Roll? They always glance longingly at the other cases while wondering who the hell even amasses 500 tickets at a time to win stuffed animals or fake autographed pictures of has-been pop idols. Well, my wife, that’s who.

My wife will kick your arse at Skee-Ball! Kick. Your. Arse.