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Spare Us The Cutter

I carry a little business card from Supercuts, in my wallet, with quick instructions for how I like my hair cut. I carry this card mostly because I am a massive dork but also because one of the best times my hair ever looked after a haircut was when I went to Supercuts in Portland and paid their premium rates (read: $2-3 more than where I normally go). So, after said awesome haircut, I asked the woman to write down what she did on a card because I was tired of everyone telling me a different story everytime I got my hair cut.

Seriously, for years before, every time I would go somewhere, they would be like, “Oh the 1/2 inch cutter is a #2″ and I was always like, “I don’t know what the hell number it is, just make it look normal.”

So now, I have this card in my wallet that says – and I am reading this from the actual card – “#4 blade on back and sides – just longer than finger length on top.” Of course, I always add, after I hand the card to the woman doing my hair and explaining to her that I am a dork, “It’s your standard men’s haircut. Not mushroomy.” Most people don’t ask me what I mean by “not mushroomy” and, to tell you the truth, I think the mushroomy look went out several years ago so it’s probably not needed for me to add that.

Anyway, I prefer to have my hair cut by a woman. The idea in my head is that a woman would know much better than a man what is attractive on a man and would work to make them look as good as they can just because of the biology of it all. Also, I only get “the chills” when a woman cuts my hair, maybe because of a softer touch or something, and I absolutely live for the chills during a haircut.

In all honesty, as well, I find that the quality of the haircut is better when the more attractive women cut my hair versus when I get one who is absolutely haggard.

OK, so I went to Walmart, like usual, to get my hair cut today. I know, I know. Apologies to any potential Smartstyles employees, or those who might know a Smartstyles employee, who might read my site but, come on now, I’m getting my hair cut at Walmart.

It’s a crapshoot when I go. “Is it going to be the haggard one or the normal one? Haggard or normal? Normal or haggard? Damn it, normal, why are you doing a perm now? And the winner is…”

…Haggard. Today it was haggard. She was very much confused by what the card meant. Confused by what I meant by mushroomy. I think she decided to just take a bunch off and hope that’s what I meant. I think it’s shorter than normal. I noticed it was a little shorter than normal when she was doing it but what do you do when you’re getting your hair cut and things look like they’re getting a little off track?

It’s probably just fine but I’m not really into people seeing Druzba-scalp and I don’t really know if it’s showing or not.

Anyway, I’m going on 30-years-old this fall and, I guess the whole point to my rambling is that I could probably start spending the extra $2-3 to go somewhere with a little more haircutting cred. I’m moving up in the world and Walmart, you’ve served me well, but you are so “old me.”

By the way, triple extra bonus points if you “got” the title of this post without having to Google it.