There was lots of buzz on the Innanet, last week, about how Japanese researchers caught pictures of a live giant squid. I’ll tell you what, and I know I’m not the only one with it on their mind: I don’t like ‘em. I don’t like ‘em one bit. Octopuses and giant squid need to go somewhere else and stop getting camera time because I don’t want to see them on the front of my Innanet news page.

After seeing pictures of the giant squid, I researched and checked them out, you know, to make sure they weren’t coming to get me.

Guess what? They’re coming to get me, and then they’re coming to get you, and they’re coming to get your kids but will probably leave your kids alone because they’ll want them to grow bigger so they can get them sometime later.

I mean, really: Colossal squid? You’re kidding me, right? 40-feet long? Two beaks and rotating hooks along the tentacles! Are the creature keepers from Alien making this up?

I’ve got a distinct fear of being by myself in any body of water. Who doesn’t get creeped out floating alone in the ocean? I’m talking any body of water here though. I get creeped out being in a pool by myself when no one is around and crap like colossal squid doesn’t make it any easier for me.

How’s about these gnawing on your head? They’ve got beaks… like birds… but bigger… and out for blood.

I found this guy while googling “octopus beak.” His name is Jim Cosgrove. I think his real name is Crazy Octopus Guy. Read this quote from his adventures:

Sometimes, if you are patient, the octopus will reach out one or two arms and touch you (actually taste you is more accurate). Sometimes they will try and pull you into the den - I’ve had my mask pulled off several times, and my gloves too.

No, Jim, actually EAT YOU is more accurate. Are you insane? If anyone out there in Innanet-land knows Jim, I think he needs help.

The largest Giant Pacific Octopus ever caught weighed about 600 pounds. 600 pounds of boneless, squishy, tentacled gloop comin’ at ya!

I know what you’re thinking: “At least I can see them and avoid coming near them.” No, my anonymous Innanet friend, think again:

The Blue-Ringed Octopus of Australia is about the size of a golf ball, weighs 1 ounce and, as you might expect from any tentacled beast, WANTS YOU DEAD!

Hide! Duct tape your windows, faucets, and toilets! Aieeee!

I live with this cat that has this thing in the morning about wanting to be close to me. I get out of bed and he’s there, ready to rub himself against my leg. I walk elsewhere and he follows. I can’t shake him, try as I might. He’s always coming at me. Being somewhat of a dork, the situation reminded me of playing Berzerk back in the day except it’s a cat and not a deathsquad robot. Oh, and the walls of the house are not coursing with 40,000 volts of electricity.