Seriously, we’re naming holes we dig with wacky names like “Dodo-Goldilocks” and “Snow White 2?”

I’m going to start naming the most mundane details of my life in the same way just in case I need to reference them later. I’m off to take shower “Cheddar-Flintstones” and follow that up with sleep session “Emu-Rutabaga.”

Most of the contestants are divided between (1) saying they believe their personalities set them apart while telling us that they are sure the other women are also unique and (2) saying that their desire to reach their goals sets them apart. In other words, the same garbage that they think everyone wants to hear – proving that shoveling it is truly universal.

Personally, I’ll be cheering for Miss Croatia and Miss Guyana.

Miss Croatia provides two of life’s requirements, food and shelter, on her own! She cooks and currently has her own apartment! Awesome!

I love Miss Guyana: “I possess the uncanny ability to read and write upside down (opposite directions, reverse direction).” I looked at every contestant and I’m pretty sure she’s the only one that identified having a weird talent and that rocks.

I’m supposed to be all about cheering for the USA but Miss USA wants us to know that she’s real. What does that even mean? That’s what sets her apart? She’s the only contestant to have used that phrase too which, I guess, must be a USA thing to say.

I know the show has been getting a lot of press lately as the place for tired, old artists* to revive their careers for a week or two or boost sales of their 20-year-old albums for a while but did they have to bring them all back at once, in one show?

I’m not a big Meatloaf fan already but I know what he’s supposed to sound like and it was painful to watch Katherine McPhee carry him through. We’re onto you, Meatloaf. Just because you choose red for your sweat rag, it doesn’t mean I’m going to believe for a second that that’s some kind of other accessory.

Eliot Yamin seemed a little surprised to have his moment hijacked by Mary J. Blige. And I normally leave the fashion spotting to the pros but come on – who wears glasses like that?

Was Toni Braxton even singing and why, when it did sound like she was singing, was her voice much deeper than Taylor Hicks’? And why is it OK for her to wear a babydoll on stage? I didn’t ask for her to wear a babydoll on stage.

Clay Aiken’s haircut, on his segment, made me reach for one of my daughter’s hair clips. Her bangs are a-growin’ out and seeing Aiken’s vision slightly blocked by his own hair made me want to git over here boy and let me git them bangs from out your face now there there you can see now boy.

It’s amazing to me that this show does so well featuring artists that were considered soft rock or pop even back in their prime. Most of their fan base is that precious 18-34 demographic but seriously, Burt Bacharach and Dionne Warwick?

In the end that finale seemed more of a cautionary send-off to me. A two hour event that screams, “Hey Idols, some of you might make careers out of this, look, see, the thing is… don’t end up like these people.”

* Excepting Barry Manilow. That man has talent.

Adam Morrison’s game face bears a striking resemblance to Richard Kiel’s game face.

“In the 1950s, at a time when apartheid laws robbed blacks of negotiating rights, Linda sold worldwide copyright to Gallo Records of South Africa for 10 shillings — less than $1.70.”

Nice to see things being turned right.

Before I go any further I need to make the following tasteless but unavoidable joke before anyone else out in Innanet-land does and I can claim all rights and ownership:

Control tower operators reported that the last communication they received from Mr. Tomarken, who was piloting the plane, was a report of engine trouble followed by the repeated phrase, “No whammies! No whammies! No whammies!” until the plane lost contact shortly thereafter.

OK, now I can continue. As a non-celebrity, I’m constantly fed this line, by celebrities, that being a celebrity can be hell. Sure, having to choose between blowout partes in the Hamptons or St. Bart’s can be agonizing but I’ll tell you what has to be true hell: Hosting a game show named “Press Your Luck” and having that follow you around the rest of your life.

I guarantee you that, at least once a week, Peter Tomarken had to listen to some schmuck he just met say something like, “Oh Peter! You’re going to get the raw oysters? I wouldn’t press your luck!” This would inevitably be followed by an awkward pause for expected but never provided applause.

I’m sure Tomarken had it down to a science: “If they mention the show or they mention the whammies, I walk.”

I’ll bet Bob Barker long since stopped bothering doing his own shopping of any kind.
I’ll bet Lee Majors switched to using self-service tax software on a home computer as soon as he could.
And, I’ll bet Peter Tomarken stopped engaging in risky behaviors, after a while, just because it wasn’t worth it.

Seriously, do you think the guy ever went to Vegas?

Oh Peter, pop culture weeps tonight.

I hate it when I do that. Like, I’ll be working on something on a server and I’m like, “What the hell is going on here!?!” and I sit there for hours trying all these things to figure it out. Turns out being something simple like a permissions error that maybe isn’t obvious until like the 5th time I check it over.

Oooo oooh, Canada! Did you check to see if it is a permissions error?!?

Yeah, don’t you hate that guy standing over your shoulder when you’re stuck? Do you think mystery virus investigators get that a lot too? Like maybe one of the guys hauling off the bodies says, “Uhh, did you rule out scabies?”

And mystery virus investigator woman rolls her eyes and says, “Scabies isn’t even a virus, you dolt!”